I was lucky enough to have a (mostly) supportive environment when I was going through fertility treatments. So I Googled “what not to say to someone who is struggling with infertility” and you would not believe how many results my search generated. Google pulled up over a million online articles that dealt what you should and should not say to someone going through the challenges of infertility. So I have compiled a list of the five most popular things not to say.
1- Don’t tell them to relax and don’t minimize the problem. Comments such as “just relax” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. She feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant and comments like, “just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” or “just relax” do not offer comfort. Instead, comments like these make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone’s life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed” (couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile by the way). By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year if they are the age of 35 or six months if they are over the age of 35. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year, or six months depending on their age. This time weeds out the people who aren’t infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. Some couples go through numbers of surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continue to say things like, “If you just relaxed on a cruise . . .” Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
2- Don’t ask why they are not trying IVF and don’t push adoption or another solution. Because most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial. Often infertile couples are asked, “Why don’t you just adopt?” The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision or chose another family building option. Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, couples need to work through lots of issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. However, “pushing” the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
3- Don’t complain about your pregnancy. For many facing infertility, it can be very hard to be around other women who are pregnant. Seeing a growing belly can be a constant reminder of what they cannot have. Not complaining can make things a little easier for your friend. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. I understand that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to anyone else in your life, but don’t put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. Why? Because (speaking from experience) your friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend’s emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself.
4- “Everything happens for a reason.”/”It’s God’s will.” Even for those who have strong faith and truly believe that everything happens for a reason, no one needs to hear this. We want you to be angry with us, and think that this is unfair, and acknowledge that it doesn’t make sense. We want you on “our side”. We don’t want you to try and convince us that this is all part of some grand plan. I for one definitely had a crisis of faith more than once going through fertility treatment.
5 – Don’t question their sadness about being unable to conceive a second child. Having one child does not mean a couple feels they have completed their family. Also, a couple may have had their first child naturally and easily, but are now experiencing secondary infertility – infertility that comes after you’ve already had a child.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Let them know that you care and lend a listening ear. We don’t necessarily want you to fix our situation so much as just listen to what we have to say and what we are going through.
Jenn Tuthill is a certified personal trainer and yoga instructor. She received her certification to teach yoga for fertility from Family Passages. She has been practicing yoga for over 10 years. She was diagnosed with infertility in January of 2013 and successfully underwent treatment in 2014. For more information ‘like’ her Facebook Page.
Leave a Reply