Are you struggling with your child’s behaviour? Are you having a hard time getting your children out the door on time? Is your child struggling with listening, hitting, tantrums etc.? We can help! One of the greatest tools in a parent’s toolbox is the power of connection. Meeting our children’s emotional needs daily can help them when they are having a difficult time, acting out, feeling sad, experiencing separation anxiety or big feelings in general. Our children need connections to feel balanced and loved and to know that they are being heard.
There are many things that drive a child’s behaviour and a strong connection with the people they feel most comfortable with can help reduce the intensity of those outbursts re-focusing them and bringing them back from the edge of a potentially massive meltdown.
When you are in the middle of an epic temper tantrum or struggle with your child, this may not feel true but believe us when we say that children do not want to act out or misbehave. We often hear that children are acting out for attention, which is exactly right! A child who is feeling disconnected will reach for that connection by all means possible regardless if it is positive or negative. The first step in helping a child who is struggling with behaviour will be to ensure you are giving them your time for positive emotional support throughout the day. This can be as simple as adding 10-15 minutes of undivided, undistracted time with your children in the morning, before and after school or daycare and most importantly, before bed.
First thing in the morning
We are all very busy parents and lead extremely busy lives. We schedule our days right down to the hour but do we include enough time to really foster the connection with our children on a daily basis? Ensuring you are spending enough quality time even just for a few minutes can go a long way in helping them with their emotional well-being.
When our little ones wake up in the morning, they have gone all night or most of the night without a connection from us. It is essential for their development to get a good restorative night’s’ sleep but do know that when they wake up in the morning, they will need some extra time to connect to help them feel grounded again.
Do you ever notice that when you are trying to rush to get your child ready for daycare or school you are met with a lot of resistance? You can beg, plead, raise your voice, get frustrated with your child, and tell them you are going to be late if they do not get ready this minute yet they seem to go at a slower pace than you thought possible?
Their resistance in getting ready like you have asked is partly because they are feeling a lack of connection with you as you rush through the chaos to get everything done on time.
We can certainly understand busy mornings and trying to get everyone out of the door for a certain time but taking those extra 10 or so minutes can actually make your morning go a lot more smoothly.
What can you do to make an emotional connection first thing in the morning?
- Set the alarm and wake up a little bit earlier in order to make time for that special time with your child or children.
- Get into bed with them for a few minutes for a snuggle, to read books or to chat about their night before asking them to do anything such as getting dressed or getting ready to go.
- Making eye contact and giving them a hug, wrapping an arm around their shoulder, or a quick back rub are great ways to reinforce that connection.
- When you are in the middle of chaos, try to take a minute to pause what you are doing and give them the positive attention they are looking for if you find they are acting out.
*If you have more than one child, try and include a special moment with each of them as they get up in the morning.
Before school or daycare drop off
Just as you would make sure your child is going to school with a full belly of good food, you want to also ensure that they are going to school with a full emotional tank.
If your child is having a difficult time with the separation and they are not wanting to go to daycare or school, try not to distract them. Allow them to have those feelings.
Listen to them, tell that that you hear them and that you understand and love them.
Just as you drop them off, get down to their level, make eye contact and give them an extra hug. Tell them something positive that they have done or that you have noticed and be sure to give them a great send off.
After school or daycare
It is wonderful for children to attend school or childcare for socialization, learning and much more but it can also be a lot of work for them to manage relationships with their peers and with teachers. When at school or daycare, many things have happened in our child’s day that we do not know about. Teachers have many children to attend to therefore, they do not have as much undivided time to sit with each individual child and may not have the means to fulfill all of their emotional needs throughout the day. Our children store their emotions within themselves and when they get home and into a safe place, they let it all out. This is when you may see some challenging behaviours and this is why it is crucial to ensure that when you pick them up or when they get off the bus that you take the time to fill those emotional tanks once again.
A quick but effective way to do this at the end of a busy day is to get down to their level, give them a hug and kiss, make eye contact and tell them how much you’ve missed them and love them. Let them reconnect and become grounded once again before asking them about their day or to start their homework. We understand how chaotic it can be but those few minutes of undivided attention can set your evening up to be a positive one.
Before bed
Before going to sleep can be another time that our children are craving some undivided attention. The thought of bedtime may cause separation anxiety for some children. For others, it is the calmest part of their day, which may mean that they are a little more relaxed and more likely to chat. Having 10-15 
minutes of chat time before bed will allow your child to lead the conversation, express any fears or concerns they may have as well as pour out their feelings, whether happy or sad. Our job is to listen and to encourage but not to lead the conversation or problem solve.
Another bonus with this special time before bed is that a child who is feeling connected to their parents and caregivers will have a higher self-esteem, will feel more secure in their independence and feel safe. Feeling safe and secure in their relationships and in their own sleep space will allow them to settle easily at night and sleep better throughout the night. Taking the time to focus on the emotional well-being of your child can also significantly reduce bedtime battles!
Elisa Costanza- Reyes and Pam Larouche have six wonderful children between the two of them. Beyond raising a family they are also Early Childhood Educators, Holistic Infant and Child Sleep Consultants and Parenting Experts. Their years of experience in the childcare field has led them down the path to helping families with parenting and sleep challenges. To learn more about their emotional based, non-traditional sleep coaching program you can find them at www.restfulparenting.com or in their private Facebook group Restful Parenting all Things Sleep and Parenting.
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