I had a lot of positive support when I was going through fertility treatment to conceive our daughter and I and lucky enough to have even more positive support now that we are going through treatment again for a second child. Here are a few ways you can offer support if you know someone who is on their fertility journey.
Remember Them on Mother’s Day. With all of the activity on Mother’s Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother’s Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. It’s everywhere the TV, posters at stores, social media, and all of the plans for celebrating with their own mothers and mothers-in-law. Remember your infertile friends on Mother’s Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven’t “forgotten” them.
Lend a caring, patient ear. If you know someone who opens up about their infertility, the best response is to listen. Give them a hug and let them share what is on their mind. Don’t ask questions or offer advice. By listening, telling them you care and letting them know you are always there for them, you can show your support.
Talk about things that are not centered around children or babies. Make sure that while you are all out to dinner with your spouse and friends that the conversation is something other than kids so that they can laugh and share with you. There are many other topics to discuss such as hobbies, work, current events, etc.
Be understanding if they opt out of social activities. They aren’t skipping the party because they don’t care about you. They aren’t showing up because some events can be very painful for someone with infertility. Being at events with children or where they could be asked upsetting questions may be something they want to avoid.
Think about what it is like in their shoes. An infertility diagnosis can cause feelings of shame, inadequacy, depression and isolation. When I was diagnosed I felt very alone. People with infertility often blame themselves for their diagnosis. Be aware and sensitive to what their needs may be, and choose your words wisely.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. It can be an agonizing decision to make, and often involves even more grief. Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don’t encourage them to try again, and don’t discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don’t try to open that chapter again.
Let Them Know That You Care. The best thing you can do is let them know you care. Sit and listen to them. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them is uplifting and lets them know that they aren’t going through this alone.
Jenn Tuthill is a certified personal trainer and yoga instructor. She received her certification to teach yoga for fertility from Family Passages. She has been practicing yoga for over 10 years. She was diagnosed with infertility in January of 2013 and successfully underwent treatment in 2014. For more information ‘like’ her Facebook Page.
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