My Dearest Bella,
Wow, I know it is cliche but the years have gone by way too fast. It seems like yesterday that we were so excited to finally meet you (all 9lbs 10 ounces!) and bring you home to your big brother. Your determination and passion for life has always been there since day 1. I remember that look in your eyes when you were 9 months old and stood up and took your first step. From there you started running and have never stopped.
Tomorrow is your first day of kindergarten and I really didn’t think it was going to hit me this hard. From the moment you snuggled in to my arms tonight to go to sleep I was thankful that the room was dark and you couldn’t see the tears streaming down my face and that you fell asleep quickly and weren’t able to hear the sobs. Not because I don’t want you to see me feeling “all the feels” but because I know you are already feeling all your own “feels” about your first day of school tomorrow.
You see we are so alike that I get it. I completely understand you in a way that I never thought I would be able to. Why? Because I see every bit of me in you. Your fierce passion which can sometimes catch people off guard is really full of love deep down. Your intense zest for all the things you love. Feeling all the feels 150%.
As you start school tomorrow I have guilt. I have guilt for not being able to freeze time and have so many “re-do’s” from some of my not so perfect moments over the last 5 years. I have guilt that you didn’t get the same experience your older brother did when he was first born because it was just your dad, me and him. I have guilt that I went back to work so early when you were just a wee babe. Even though I would often bring you along with me I wish I would have done things differently. I have guilt and sadness that I missed out on 8 months of your life after your first birthday because your Grandpa Randy got so sick and I was the only one who could take care of him during his last few months here on Earth with us and then it took a lot of time away from you to tie up loose ends with his estate. I feel guilt that you never got to really know your Grandpa and that you never got to meet your Uncle Dan. I feel guilt that I wasn’t there for you those first few years as much as I would have liked to be. I can’t take those years back and I couldn’t freeze time no matter how much I wanted to.
But I am thankful for those treasured and precious moments that we have had together. The trips, the exploring, the long car rides, seeing your eyes light up when you are on stage and watching your entire body vibrate with excitement with each new character that you just had to have your picture with at Disney World.
Tomorrow when you go to school for the first time I know you are going to love it. You love to socialize, surround yourself with wonderful people and you love all things fabulous. It’s probably going to be a struggle to get you to agree to leave your high heel shoes and purse at home and trade them in for the day for your running shoes and backpack. But I also know that you will have some fear. Fear of the unknown and not being able to fully predict everything that will come your way. You see this is part of your journey. Your journey that I know you will rock. You are a strong and beautiful young girl and I am so thankful that you are my strong and beautiful girl.
Do you know what I do know for sure? That I will always, always, always love you more than you will ever know and understand. That I will ALWAYS be there for you. To pick you back up on your feet when needed. To hold your hand. To wipe away your tears. To laugh with. To snuggle with. I have your back. xo
You, my girl, are absolutely beautiful inside and out. I am so sorry for all those moments that we couldn’t soak in as much as I would have wanted to but I can guarantee that the moments we have ahead of us are going to be just as great if not better. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. Thank you for being a part of my life.